Broken Gaydar

31 Mar

gaydarAccording to an exhaustive 3-second Google search, “Gaydar” is defined as “a colloquialism referring to the intuitive ability of a person to assess others’ sexual orientation as gay”.

According to friends, my Gaydar is broken.

I refused to accept that I could not differentiate between a straight man and a gay man, despite the fact that on two separate occasions I had gone on a date with a straight man believing it to be an outing with a possible new gay best friend.

I refused to accept it, until one day…

I was out in the city celebrating a coworker’s birthday when I spotted my client, Cathy, on the other side of the bar. When I went over to say hello, she introduced me to the man standing beside her as being her “friend, Benny”.

I immediately liked Benny.  He was a short, funny, quirky gay man who had some of the wildest and hilarious stories I’ve heard to date. He also had an appreciation for a good high-five, as do I when I’m drunk.  And when I’m sober. I like high-fives a lot. {cough}

Co-worker: “Did you have fun at my birthday the other night?”

Me: “Yeah! It was a great time.”

Co-worker: “What did you think of Cathy’s boyfriend?”

Me: “I didn’t meet him”

Co-worker: “Yes you did! You talked to him for, like, half an hour!”

Me: “No! That was Benny, her friend. He’s gay.” {duh}

Co-worker: “That was Benny, her BOYFRIEND”

Me: “OH MY GOSH! And there I was laughing it up with him thinking he was her friend and making him give me a million high-fives.  The whole time she probably thought I was flirting or something. When that’s clearly not what I was doing. I feel terrible!”

Co-worker: {shakes her head at me and walks away laughing}

I felt terrible, but I had been emailing with Cathy earlier that morning and she seemed perfectly fine.  I was sure she hadn’t interpreted my behavior the other night in any way other than friendly.  About an hour later I’d completely forgotten my conversation with co-worker when the phone rings.  It was Cathy, no doubt calling me to check up on the status of our latest project.

Me: “Good afternoon, Cathy.  How can I help you?”

Cathy: “YOU THOUGHT MY BOYFRIEND WAS GAY?”

Me: {Fuuuuuuuuuck} What? NO! Why would you say –”

Cathy: “Co-worker called me and told me everything!”

Me: {Attempt to murder coworker with my mind. Fail. Begin to stall for time} Nooo.

Cathy: “WHY would you think he was GAY?”

Me: “He… just… I don’t know.  You introduced him as your “friend” and then he kept calling the bartender Papi. I just… It seemed like… Look, I’m really sorry.”

Cathy: “He’s not gay!”

Me: “Again, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean any offense.”

Cathy: “We have sex.  We have LOTS of sex!”

Me: {cringe} “I’m… happy for you?”

After confronting my co-worker, she claimed that she called Cathy in order to clarify that I had not been flirting with Benny. {Mentally chuck a stapler at coworker’s big, fat, stupid head}.

A few weeks later Cathy dumped Benny for reasons she assured me had nothing to do with his sexuality. And I stopped pretending to possess gaydar.

 

5 Responses to “Broken Gaydar”

  1. hacken2013 March 31, 2014 at 1:14 pm #

    If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck…

    • awkwardcharm March 31, 2014 at 1:16 pm #

      Then it’s probably a swan! Wait, no. That’s wrong. Or…yes? No. Um, it’s a….{sigh}. I give up.

  2. foziasaeed April 1, 2014 at 6:25 am #

    LOL.
    Maybe it’s best to put the malfunctioning gaydar away..for everyone’s safety. ;-)

  3. BrantleyNewton April 8, 2014 at 9:31 pm #

    It’s a shame that they broke up. They were having so much sex.

    • awkwardcharm April 8, 2014 at 10:30 pm #

      Right? Their breakup came as such a shock :)

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