At the request of my friend who is at home sick with the plague and would very much like to see one of her favorite stories immortalized in a blog, let me tell you about a date gone awkward. Only this time, it was not my fault! I swear!
I was on a blind-ish date. A friend had shown me a picture of the guy and he was cute: dark eyes, dark hair – yes please! So I agreed to the date. How bad could he be? Really?
I had suggested we meet for dinner at a Lebanese restaurant. He was even cuter then in his picture! I didn’t want to blow my chances so I decided to keep quiet lest something humiliating come tumbling out of my mouth.
Me: So…tell me about yourself
Date: I was in a terrible accident years ago. My recovery was slow and I ended up gaining 100lbs, but have since lost the weight and have dedicated my life to staying healthy.
Me: Wow. {I probably shouldn’t tell him I eat candy bars for breakfast} That’s…I’m glad you made a full recovery! What’s your secret to staying in such great shape?
Date: Colonics
Me: {Does that mean what I th -} Poop?
Date: What?
Me: Yeah, what?
Date: I get colonics regularly. The lower intestine is the sewage system of the body, you know. If you truly want to get healthy, and I believe you should, then I recommend a monthly colonic.
Me: {I think he just insulted me} I’m set.
Date: No you’re not. Look at your color! You could definitely benefit from a colonic. I have an appointment next week. We should go together.
Given that he spent the first half of the date telling me I look like I was in desperate need of an enema, I didn’t think the date was going well. But I’m a trooper and was going to see this date through to the end – which included dessert. He’s paying, after all!
Me: Mmmm, I love halawet jibne.
Date: It’s a delicious dessert, but it’s terrible for the colon
Me: {eye roll} Well, that’s what colonics are for. Am I right? {mentally high-fiving myself}
Date: No
Me: Oh. {about to take a bite of dessert}
Date: {leans in, staring at me}
Me: Um…{holding dessert up to my mouth} aren’t you going to have any? There is more then enough for the both of us.
Date: No thanks {leans in further}. To me there is nothing sexier than watching beautiful women eat phallic shaped food
Me: {Mouth open, slowly drop dessert onto plate in disgust.} I’m not hungry.
Date: But…?
Me: CHECK!
This was a case of reverse awkwardness in which he made me feel uncomfortable without any of the added benefit of charm. And to think I almost subjected myself to a colonic {shiver}.
BOY! …. I will have diarrea just to hear him talk !
I know I was experiencing some nausea hearing him talk.
The picture is priceless! I just re-read all your posts and I laughed so hard I cried! Who would ever get a colonic? Plus, if a person really “loved” a colonic why would they actually admit it, much less on a first date? Wouldn’t you at least hide that until marriage? “Oh by the way honey – I just love me a colonic!”
I know!!! I kept thinking “stop talking. Please?” Haha. And if it was up to him the second date would’ve been a colonic!!
So glad the stories make you laugh
Aloha,
Can’t remember if I told you how cute I think “Winning Hearts and Minds with Awkwardness” is. I am in 100% agreement with you. Any kind of scatological conversing should either be avoided or maybe saved for some fetish event.
Many of us and based on your blog, I assume you too, have trouble even urinating in front of good girl friends. We could never even handle a trained professional being in the room with us if we had a colonic let alone entertain the thought of having a meet and greet based around our getting colonics.
He’s definitely full of shit!!
Oh my gosh! Thank you! So kind!!
As for the date, I didn’t know whether to be more shocked by what he was saying or by the fact that I was the least awkward person in the situation