Cementing A Relationship

I had been dating my then boyfriend for about 2 months when my            sister and brother-in-law invited us on a weeklong Caribbean cruise.   The boyfriend and I couldn’t say “yes” fast enough.

To outsiders, our relationship seemed to be going at warp speed. But I had not yet taken that one very crucial step to cementing any relationship – pooping at his place.  But now we were about to be thrown into a tiny room for 7 days of 24-hour togetherness.  What could possibly go wrong?

It was now day 5 of our cruise and I had not yet gone. I was so bloated that a fellow passenger actually congratulated us on our soon to be bundle of joy. Right! Something had to be done about this poop baby.

I bought “fast acting” laxatives.  After 4 hours, nothing happened! Would this nightmare never end?? We were queued for excursion tickets to swim with dolphins when it happened.  I felt a twist in my gut and then Armageddon broke out in my lower intestine.

I turned to boyfriend, yelled “it’s happening!” and took off running for the room as fast as my little legs would take me. I made it into the room and opened the bathroom door with only seconds to spare when the boyfriend jumped out!

Boyfriend: BOO!!!!

Me: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {fart}

Boyfriend: {hysterical laughter; blocking entrance to bathroom} Man! I didn’t know you could run so fast!

Me: {gripping stomach, break out in cold sweat}

Boyfriend: {continues blocking entrance to bathroom} I was running up the opposite hall and didn’t think I could make it ahead of you in time. You really didn’t see me?

Me: {clenching butt cheeks} GET. OUT!

Boyfriend: Oh, quit making everything such a big deal. I’ll just turn on the TV. {smugly flops onto bed just inches from the bathroom door}

I was in no state to argue. I shakily closed the bathroom door and began to make sounds that I can only describe as something out of an Alien vs. Predator fight scene.  A few minutes later I hear a knock at the bathroom door:

“Babe?”

{Alien vs. Predator sounds}

“I – I think I’m gonna give you some privacy, after all. Maybe go down to the casino for a bit?  I lov—“

{more Alien vs. Predator sounds}

“Yeah… just… ok”

The moral of the story?  Don’t take laxatives when trapped on a cruise ship and in a new relationship, because some things are awkward enough without adding to them.  As for me, some good did come out of all this.  He stopped pulling pranks on me for the remainder of the relationship (and possibly in all future relationships?)

Tags: Alien vs. Predator, Awkward, charm, Cruise, Poop, Relationship